Sakura-Con post-mortem

So here's the thing: I generally like conventions, but I've come to realize that I'm pretty bad at them.

I don't like large crowds and I don't like lots of loud noises, but in the past I've been able to ignore that, basically, because there are things I do love about conventions. I love the dealer's room and the artist's alley. I love the general atmosphere. I love seeing cosplay designs that people have worked so hard on. I love being somewhere where I'm not the weird awkward kid for liking anime.

I've come to realize that this is the first convention I've gone to where I went by myself and spent an extended amount of time. I did briefly go to Arkansas Anime Festival in May of 2016, for maybe an hour. But other than that, my past convention experiences have been with friends (or people I thought were friends at the time, but that's another story). I'd like to think that maybe this year's experience could simply be chalked up to not having anyone to share it with. But, like most sad stories, it's a bit more complicated than that.

About a month ago, I was diagnosed with PTSD. This combined with the mental illnesses I've been previously diagnosed with equals terrible mental health for the time being. This isn't the time to go into all the gorey details, but suffice to say that it's been a struggle, especially having just moved to a new area. To put it in a less professional manner: it really fucking sucks. Obviously, wanting to spend large amounts of time in bed and out of sight is a desire that doesn't mash well with attending a convention. But I really did want to enjoy myself. (Also, I'd already reserved the hotel.)

I can't say I didn't enjoy myself, because I did. I got to pick up some swag and see some bright and colorful things and it was nice. But I also ended up driving back home a day early because I couldn't sleep and couldn't stand being around people anymore.

So basically: I had fun, but not nearly as much as I wanted to.

Should I not be telling you all of this? Maybe not. It's not "professional" or anything. But I feel like you guys deserve to know why I've struggled so much producing content these past few months. Also I'm possibly going a bit stir-crazy from not having anyone to ramble at.

I don't really have a suitable conclusion. I'm always really horrible at writing conclusions. So instead, I shall end this with a picture of Seattle, and a promise that con swag pics will come at some point in the very near future. Thanks for reading.

Coming back.

I've been an official-ish resident of the Pacific Northwest for the last couple weeks. Still adjusting, but things are all right so far.

As promised, I'm going to spend the next several weeks retooling my website and getting back into the swing of writing. Some pages on my personal website may look very strange while I'm doing this, and some links to the site may no longer work. It may take a bit, but I'm looking forward to it.

Where have you been, you awkward slug

Well. It's been a while, hasn't it?

I'd like to apologize for being so silent these past several months. It's been a very hard time for me emotionally and financially, and I kind of crawled into a metaphorical hole and fell asleep down there, hoping I could wake up in the spring and everything would be flowery again. Of course, life doesn't work that way. I did wake up, and now my brain has the awkward task of trying to put me back together while I come to terms with a lot of facts. Facts like, really bad things have happened to me and I put off dealing with them for too long. Facts like, I'm a mess right now and scared that I'll never get better. Facts like, I want to try and keep going anyway.

Over the next month, I will be attending job training for a new job I've taken in Washington, 2,000 miles away from my current home in Arkansas. It's a big opportunity and I'm excited and nervous and sad and the whole gauntlet of emotions about it. It does unfortunately necessitate that I continue to remain stepped back from Some Strange Circus for a little while longer, while I go to training and then go get settled in a new state. But I'm determined to keep going. Once I am moved into my new state, I'm going to look at getting things back on track with my writing, which is something that's always been very dear to me.

To those who have supported me in the past, thank you. To those who are reading this, thank you as well.

I'm not okay just yet, but I'm going to work on it.

I'll see you all soon.

Circus Reviews - 16 Ways To Kill A Vampire At McDonald's

IF Comp is here again, and I didn't enter like I'd planned to. I may be stuck in a hole, but darned if I won't pull something down here with me. So let's play some IF Comp games!

The game centers around a vampire hunter named Lucy who generally just acts as bait for the undead creatures and doesn't do much of the heavy lifting herself. But on her night off, she wanders into a McDonald's and comes face to face with a vampire, with no backup and an adorable cashier to protect. With time ticking down before the vampire makes a move and no way to tackle the vampire head-on, how will Lucy manage to save the day?

I normally tend to go for the story-driven IF games, such as those by kaleidofish, but the bulk of this one's gameplay involves trying to figure out how to kill the vampire with your limited surroundings and whatever knowledge of traditional vampire myths you have. Pretty much all of the common ones can be used in some way, which is helpful in that it doesn't have to go into a bunch of tedious exposition, but a McDonald's doesn't have a ton of options when it comes to religious paraphernalia, for example, and thus creative thinking is required. This game in particular makes more use of your inventory than most of the IF games I've played. You actually start with a few items that turn out to be extremely helpful, which I did not realize my first few times through the game.

The vampire itself is treated as the villain, and it feels like that's gotten so rare in a world where Twilight is part of general history. Part of the vampire's plan does involve seduction, but it's not treated as anything attractive; it's treated like a predator hunting prey. Lucy herself takes the entire thing as just part of her duty, and treats the seduction thing as simply something to be dealt with. She's fairly no-nonsense in general, but cares about the safety and well-being of other people and thinks on her feet. You might trust her for help with a supernatural being trying to kill you after spending a game with her.

The game has sixteen different endings (of course), and there's a helpful list that details each ending and gives a hint for the ones you haven't gotten yet. As you play through the game, you also get bonus content, like vampire facts and a more spoofy sequel wherein Lucy gets to bring her two friends, Maggie and Luke, along to hunt even more vampires. The amount of content here is happily surprising considering it's a free IF game. There is also a "true ending" that I haven't quite unlocked yet, but I'm looking forward to it.

All in all, this is well worth the time you'll put into it. It has massive replay value and good goals to work towards. It's not a particularly deep game and maybe not filled with a bunch of new ideas, but there's also something refreshing about treating a villainous predator like a villainous predator.

And maybe, you'll never look at a McDonald's the same way again.

16 Ways To Kill A Vampire At McDonald's is available to play in browser through IFComp.

Final verdict: A simple but enjoyable game about good old-fashioned vampire killing, with enough replayability and bonus content to make it well worth your while.

16 Ways To Kill A Vampire At McDonald's is developed by Abigail Corfman. The opinions expressed in this review are my own. I was not compensated in any way for this review.

GenCon post-mortem

Well, I only actually went for one day, but I have a few things to say, at least.

GenCon is different than any anime convention I've been to. There didn't seem to be so many panels. There were a lot of booths for different game companies and a lot of people playing games. "Artist Alley" was a thing, and there was a dedicated author's section that made me quite happy. It was very...crowded. Hard to deal with at times for a person with social anxiety, but it all worked out. I met some cool artists, including one whose work I've admired for a while, and picked up a nice little stack of business cards. If I wasn't so poor I'd hire most of them for visual novel shenanigans.

I wish I could have stayed longer, to tell the truth...I wanted to see more of the con and I wanted to see my family more than I got to. But, you know, financial obligations and impending doom.

I have a number of pictures on my cell phone that will eventually make their way online, probably to Instagram, which I do occasionally post on.

Also, driving a nine and a half hour drive alone is interesting. It's freeing not to have to make conversation all the time, and to have the ability to stop wherever the damn hell I feel like. That said, it was hard in the mornings, when I was getting so tired that I had to pull over. This did lead me to discovering the joys of five-hour energy shots, which helped somewhat. I made terrible time both ways, but eh, who cares.

I guess that concludes my ramblings. I wouldn't mind going to GenCon again, but there's that awkward thing where next year it conflicts with AnimeFest, which I wish I was going to this year and had hoped to go to next year...So we'll see what happens.

Circus Reviews - So You Killed a Guy

The issue with reviewing interactive fiction games is that they often have no pictures, and thus inserting pictures throughout the review ends up being boring and likely to spoil things. However, I feel like I haven't played nearly enough text-based games lately, especially with IFComp upon us. So here, I present to you an interesting gem plucked from r/interactivefiction: a Creative Writing thesis as presented in Twine.

In an unforeseen twist, So You Killed a Guy opens with the narrator telling you that you have just killed a guy. This narrator purports to be your guide, claiming to have instructions that will allow you to get away with this crime unpunished, and as long as you follow these instructions, you will be perfectly fine, probably.

To me, a lot of second-person fiction sets up the protagonist as a concrete character while still referring to "you" when telling the story; this game, however, doesn't really have a protagonist, unless we count the narrator himself. The story is set up in such a way that you alone fill the "protagonist" role, and it feels more like the choices themselves are the character, if that makes any sense. A number of your options are filled with sarcasm and apathy, and you are presented with a number of opportunities to mercilessly screw with the narrator, but you can also play along and be cooperative.

The narrator is probably the real character here. He begins by presenting an almost too enthusiastic front, being quite into the fact that you're a murderer and rushing to offer his assistance, but the facade shatters pretty quickly if you refuse to play along with what he's telling you. What develops is a neurotic voice that lashes out and gets angry, but at heart wants nothing more than to write a good, original story. That's something that hit particularly hard for me, especially considering the recent slump I've been in. What's different about the narrator's fits of rage, though, is that they actually affect something. The narrator is in control of the game world; if he doesn't like something in it (like, say, YOU), he can change it...unless, of course, he lacks the creative inspiration to do so. Isn't that an ability we all wish we could have?

There are several different ways the story can end depending on whether you heckle the narrator and how much, and each one explores a slightly different aspect of the issue of writer's block in a unique and compelling way. You might successfully make it to your planned ending, or you might poke fun at the narrator one too many times and end up being severely punished for your actions. I personally started feeling rather bad for the narrator in at least one path, only for this to dissipate somewhat when he began threatening me with violence.

I fully admit that I am not qualified to judge the merit of any sort of thesis, but I do know at least one small thing about video games, and I feel that this holds up as a game pretty well. It treats a subject I know very well in a new way, and I'd strongly recommend it to writers of any kind, or to people who enjoy IF games and are looking for a quick one to try out. Also, I hope that the author considers continuing to write for Twine, because their first project is an enjoyable one indeed.

So You Killed a Guy is available to play for free on philome.la.

Final verdict: While perhaps not intended as a game in the traditional sense, So You Killed a Guy stands out with its relateable narrator and its short but fascinating exploration into the struggle for creativity and inspiration.

So You Killed a Guy is developed by tomfrom1995. The opinions expressed in this review are my own. I was not compensated in any way for this review.

Circus Reviews - Empty Horizons

As I'm writing this, I've just reached a certain point in Empty Horizons. A certain point that gives me strong admiration for ebi-hime as a writer, yet again. A certain point that reminds me that reading a story without having anything spoiled for you is an amazing experience. A certain point that makes me realize that this review is going to be very similar to another game by ebi-hime that I reviewed, Round the Mulberry Bush, in that I can't discuss what I want to discuss without breaking my policy of not having spoilers in my reviews.

...Well, fuck.

Let's talk a bit about stories like that. It's very difficult to recommend them, because telling people that something might seem bad but it will get better if they keep going sounds like advice from your nightmare's life coach. And yet here I am trying, because it's gotten to me and it's just that surprising.

Anyway.

Empty Horizons follows Mireille, a sheltered eighteen-year-old girl whose life is thrown into disarray after her father's death. Her uncle in France invites her to stay with him and hires Lyon, a former chauffer for the family, as her escort. Mireille is reluctant to go with him and isn't even sure if living with her uncle is what she wants, but goes along anyway, and during the journey, she struggles with how to feel about her father, about her lost former life, and about Lyon, who despite his irritating habits and womanizing ways has a certain charm to him.

I'll be honest...I was set to skip reviewing this game. At first glance, the story was predictable and boring. Mireille and Lyon's relationship develops rather predictably; while their banter is amusing at times, it's easy to see where things are going, and Lyon isn't a particularly likeable character despite sharing the narration with Mireille, who is just as abrasive but is also a lot easier to sympathize with due to the more frequent glances into her head. Also, Mireille at one point reads what is very heavily implied to be Twilight, which is incredibly offensive.

And then...a thing happens.

As much as I admire ebi-hime, I'm annoyed that she keeps writing visual novels that I can't fully discuss without spoiling the experience, which is something I never want to do. So good on you, ebi-hime; you have stifled me yet again. I'm left standing around unable to say much other than, "Please play this game; it's worth it!" And it makes me look like kind of a shitty reviewer. But if I have nothing else, I have moral standards when it comes to game reviews.

So to get back to things I actually can talk about:

SillySelly returns to do the artwork, and it stands out once again. Backgrounds are well done, and I'm particularly fond of the sprite art for Mireille; there's something about her expressions that betrays her vulnerability despite the harsh front she puts up. The soundtrack is lovely as well. I'm particularly a fan of the title screen track, but then, I've always been a sucker for a good piano track. And the story itself...the turn it takes is not one that you can predict. It blew me away when I first read it, but looking back on it now, I'm a bit sad it turned out the way it did. There's no other way it could have turned out, really, but I did end up feeling for the characters in the end.

This review is not much of a review. I feel like maybe I shouldn't have even written what I did, because again, there's little I can say about the plot here even though that's all I want to talk about. All I can say is, don't give up on this game like I thought about doing. Keep going. Give it a chance. As I've said before, it is not in any way what you expect it to be.

In conclusion, I am set to name ebi-hime the OELVN master of defying expectations. There isn't a medal or a trophy for this, but hopefully it's not too dubious of an honor all the same.

Empty Horizons is available on Steam and itch.io.

Final verdict: With Empty Horizons, ebi-hime has pulled out yet another game with a plot twist so important that I can barely properly review it without giving it away, so all I can really do is recommend it and then go and mumble in a corner.

Empty Horizons is developed by ebi-hime and published by Sekai Project. The opinions expressed in this review are my own. I was not compensated in any way for this review.

Sleeping Pillowbook now available!

Sleeping Pillowbook is a small collection of unconnected poems about different things. It's basically meant to serve as a preview of my poetry.

It is now available for download through itch.io.

https://somestrangecircus.itch.io/sleeping-pillowbook

Thank you!